Tag Archives: Costco

Walmart

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I keep seeing pictures of horribly dressed people in Walmarts. I’ve actually never been in a Walmart. Not even the parking lot. I’ve heard they are vast and full of Winnebagos, those parking lots. Never been in a Costco either. Costco weirds me out. Like Scientology for shoppers. Even the parking lot is disturbing. I have a whole paranoid story about a Costco parking lot I never finished [I did, later.] I have been to Wall Drugs. Bought some socks. Waited for the dinosaur to wake up. Saw more socks. They wear a lot of socks in South Dakota. And while I know you can get socks cheaper at Costco, I don’t need five hundred socks. As for Walmart, do they even wear socks in there? The customers, I mean. From all the pictures you can’t really tell. Maybe they wear just one. Maybe three.

Incidentally, I googled “Walmart socks” for a picture to put here. A bunch of pictures of socks, and people wearing socks, and a really angry meme that says No clean socks, buys new socks at Walmart. That mystified me. Then I googled “Walmart parking lot” for a picture to put right here. Most were just pictures of big parking lots. One a big parking lot with a chicken. Several parking lots with weirdos. Strange vehicles. A burro. Some cars on fire. Police. An Elvis impersonator. Two babes in bikinis, sunning. I thought about using that one, but nah.

I also stumbled onto a really angry tee shirt that reads Wal-Marx with a hammer and sickle, the whole bit. Apparently some anarchists call it that, Wal-Marx. Some Tea Party types call it that, too. Both also call it fascist. Just how confused are people anymore? What’s wrong with calling it an old fashioned monopolistic union busting creepy giant company? That’s what it is. What’s with the inane and utterly meaningless ideological nomenclature? Do they think it makes them look smart? It doesn’t. Just deluded. Out of it. Detached from reality. One hates to say stupid. I mean even if it’s ironic, it’s stupid. Irony doesn’t work with a sledgehammer.

What the hell, here’s the parking lot babes. At least they’re accomplishing something.

Walmart parking lot bikini babes. And you thought it was all old people in winnebagos.

Walmart parking lot bikini babes.

Costco

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So a Costco membership is fifty five dollars? You give them $55 for the privilege of giving them more money when you actually buy stuff? Am I missing something? That’s a workable business model? It must be. It’s like Scientology for shoppers. Do they wear the Star Trek uniforms too? No, they don’t, not yet. But the Costco parking lot near us is a little creepy, all those hordes of people with that identical expression. I can’t explain it, sort of a fanatically determined shopping look. A couple weeks ago I was going to one of the restaurants nearby and parked on the Costco side of the lot. Big mistake. As soon as I got out of the car and began walking in the wrong direction I was spotted, detected, sensed somehow, and the people turned on me. We’re going to Costco, come with us. I said no, I was going somewhere else. They said you’re going to Costco. I said no I wasn’t. They said you are and I started to get nervous. But I’m not a member I said. You can sign up, they said. But I don’t want to sign up I said. You don’t want to be a member they said? Not for $55 I said. Why not they said. I don’t feel like paying that much to go to a store. They said sure you do. I said no I don’t. They said come on, just sign up. I said no, it’s expensive and it’s a hassle. They said it’s easy. Easy? Yes, easy. All you have to do is fall asleep. It’s painless.

$55 is not painless. So I ran. They ran after me. You are not of the body they yelled, chasing me down with their shopping carts piled high with 100 roll packages of toilet paper. I ran for my life. Then the siren wailed and they all stopped, turned around and walked towards the store. Weena stop I cried. But she went into the store with them. Down came the iron doors. Weena was in there. Frantic, I ran out into Los Feliz Boulevard, waving my arms and yelling. Listen to me! Listen to me! Those people that are coming after me, they’re not human! You fools! You’re in danger! Can’t you see? They’re after all of us! Our wives, our children, everyone on your shopping list! You’re next! You’re next! You’re–and I was flattened by a big Costco Truck. The police opened the back and it was filled floor to ceiling with 100 roll packages of toilet paper. More toilet paper than you have ever seen in your life. You gotta tell them. You gotta tell them. Costco toilet paper is made out of people.