What Classic Rock Band Are You? asks the Facebook quiz. My friend said he was the Beatles. Another was the Stones. Another said he was Led Zeppelin. One guy said Jimi Hendrix, but I think he lied and was just trying to get laid. He’s more a Supertramp in real life. But try to get laid as Supertramp. Dreamer, indeed.
I wanted to join in but I hate those stupid what kind of whatever are you quiz things. Doubtless there’s a jazz one out there somewhere. All these jazz buffs coming up Kenny G and claiming to be Miles.
But this was the What Classic Rock Band Are You quiz and I was feeling left out of the Facebook fun–that’s what Facebook is all about, fun–so I lied and said I was Widowmaker. None of you have ever heard of Widowmaker. I think there was somebody sorta kinda somebody in Widowmaker. I could look it up. I could. Anyway I remember back in around 1976 they were getting a push from whatever record company had signed them and I can still hear the hook of their smash hit song. I think it had two chords, though mostly one. It had a plodding boogie beat and a boring singer. Maybe twenty seconds of that. It was a short commercial. I remember thinking I would never buy that record ever, even with that smash hit song. Apparently I wasn’t the only one who thought that. That smash hit song was never a smash hit. And I knew I would never ever have to think about Widowmaker again.
In stepped fate. I saw them. There I was in my seat and the emcee announced England’s newest sensation, Widowmaker! Scattered applause. The only thing I remember was that twenty seconds of their smash hit song. The rest is a blur. Well, not a blur exactly, more a blank. I don’t recall the audience being excited. In fact, by the time the band was finished everyone just seemed depressed. Even Santana seemed depressed. I’d just seen Santana tear the roof of the Swing Auditorium in San Berdoo twice in a row, a pair of the greatest rock concerts I ever saw but here they were just sort of there. It was like Widowmaker had sucked the air right out of the room. And the Starlight Amphitheater is an outdoor venue. So it was like Widowmaker had sucked the air right out of Burbank.
That’s all I know about Widowmaker. Which is why they are the Classic Rock Band that I am. But only because it’s Monday. Tomorrow I’ll be the Five Man Electrical Band. On Wednesday I’ll be the guys that did that song about I’m your Vehicle, baby. On Thursday I’ll be the Band. Friday the Mahavishnu Orchestra. And Saturday I’ll be Jimi Hendrix. Watch out ladies.
OK, not the real Jimi Hendrix, not at my age, but Mahogany Rush, who I saw once and made me permanently deaf even though they were lousy. At least Widowmaker didn’t hurt me.