CeeLo on ice

(Jan. 29, 2014)

CeeLo was the opening act at the Islanders-Rangers game at Yankee Stadium just now. The silence, I kid you not, was deafening. You could hear absolutely nothing from the stands. Nothing. It was like no one was there. He’s doing this ridiculous little light pop number with these three dancing ladies in spooky black lacy wings or something prancing behind him, and he’s pleading with  the audience. I can’t hear you! he pleads. Let’s make some noise! Complete silence.  You could see the despair in his eyes. They cut to a commercial after a minute and a half.

It was the most disastrous performance I can ever remember seeing on television.  It was hysterical. If he doesn’t do better at the period break there’ll be a network executive’s head rolling down a corridor somewhere in Manhattan before the game ends.  They’ll be kicking it around like it’s the World Cup.

Hell, man, they might as well have had Lawrence Welk. Absolutely clueless.  This is hockey. You have either hard rap or hard rock.  Period. That’s all.  You can have dippy music at the Super Bowl….half the people are only watching it for the commercials anyway. But this is hockey. Only hockey fans are watching. And hockey fans don’t want CeeLo croaking a ballad with weird zombie waifs flitting around behind him. Give them Metallica or Run DMC next time and then drop the fucking puck.

The best part of this was that probably a million or so people in the Greater New York metropolitan area just saw that.


More cocaine to the green room, please.

Forty minutes later. CeeLo’s back, it’s uptempo this time, they’re rapping, his dancers are freezing their thighs off, and either the people are digging it or they’re trying to revive circulation in frozen limbs. Maybe both. I hear cheering. There goes the hallway soccer game. No, someone actually there assures me on Facebook, it’s game on. That is booing you’re hearing. Lots and lots of booing. Perhaps the frigid air is doing weird things to the harmonics and the boos sound like cheers. Whatever,he says, they’re boos. You can see CeeLo crying on the JumboTron. The poor thing. Hockey fans are so insensitive. Incidentally, you could house a family of six comfortably under CeeLo’s full length fur coat.

Eighty minutes later. Beatlemania, good God.  This is hockey ferchrissakes. What would Gordie Howe say?

One hundred twenty minutes later. Goddamn Rangers win, 2-1. That’s what the Islanders get for playing in the Bronx.

Of course the Kings got skunked in their outdoor extravaganza and they were playing in Los Angeles. Dodger stadium is beautiful this time of year. Sometimes we even have winter.

Tim 'Dr. Hook' McCracken

Tim ‘Dr. Hook’ McCracken

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