I was sitting at a bar last nite and within three minutes the lady next to me told me she was a vegan. She spent the next ten minutes talking about food. Then about Whole Foods. After that about a macro-biotic diet that means you will never die. But I like the lady, otherwise I would have moved to the other end of the bar. They weren’t talking about food down there. They were talking about all the things you do that don’t involve eating or cooking or shopping at Whole Foods.

The funny thing about vegans is that while they never shut up talking about food you can’t talk about food because if you did you’d mention something offensive and they’ll make that disgusted Vegan face and start talking about their food even more. It’s like talking to hardcore Christians and mentioning Jews which makes them talk about Christianity even more. You can’t stop them.

Christians don’t party, though. Not like we party. But vegans, if you can get them to stop talking about food for a minute, will party. That’s why they’re fun. But then they’ll smoke pot, and get the munchies, and start talking about food again. And I start looking at the other end of the bar, where omnivores are talking about everything under the sun and laughing. Laughing. You can’t talk about organic produce and laugh. Vegetables just aren’t funny. You can’t talk about fruit and laugh. Fruit’s not funny. Except for bananas. Banana peels are funny. But nobody eats banana peels. Not even Vegans. Not even raw foodies. Not even Fruitarians like Sky Saxon, who said God spelled backwards is dog.

But Sky probably did smoke a banana peel or two in his time. You don’t write a “Mr. Farmer” high on life.

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